doom & gloom
19 SepAfter the doom & gloom that tumbled out unbidden through my fingertips in a mere 5min, I was horrified by how emo & depressing it read 
Scared, even.
I discarded the Word doc into a folder, never to see the light of day so that no one would know & I could keep hiding from ‘what lies beneath’
You can only pretend so much.
You can’t hide forever. No, not from yourself. I know I can’t…because the dreams are back…
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.: 15 Sep :.
I don’t understand why I’m so unhappy.
Life seems so pointless. Empty. Inherently void of meaning or purpose.
And so…we fill it.
Fill it with indoctrinated prescriptions of fulfilment – your career, the house with that picket fence, superficial pursuits of transient joy & instant gratification like clubbing/bars, parties, meals with good company.
Why are we always trying to “fill” our lives anyway?
It suggests that there is, in fact, a void. A deficit. As though we can’t achieve whole-liness without acquiring things or people or purpose.
What’s the point of all that?
Are we really put here on this Earth to aim for that usual 9-5pm, 5 days a week, for that house or for feeding those mouths or for buying those “good times” at bars, at dinners, at parties?
Let me go back to my original question.
Why am I so unhappy?
First of all, what’s there to be unhappy about???
I have a good paying job, a loving & caring family who I love equally in turn if not more, a bevy of genuine friends I can count on in times of need or for fun.
Weighing all those reasons why I have no reason to be unhappy doesn’t change that fact that I am.
Call me emo. Call me ungrateful. It still doesn’t change that fact.
So then what’s wrong with me?
Is it simply that I am ungrateful?
Or is it that I’m currently living my life in a way that doesn’t align with what I truly want? Well, fck, I don’t know what the hell that is.
Or is it because there’s a chemical imbalance in my brain? Would it really be as simple as taking a drug to alter that? & if that is so, then would I really be treating the cause or would I just be chemically altering myself into a ‘happy’ state? Even if it is the latter (i.e. a form of self-deception, really) & the underlying cause not resolved nor properly addressed, well…does that matter? I’d be happy/happier right?
Tags: dreams
